I am a forever searcher, so my journey is far from over. Just recently, I’ve experienced major revelations and cognitions about my own adoption story. Just today, I found the first person since 2001 who was genetically related enough to put on my birthfamily tree. 

But I’m still in mourning when I found out that the story I told myself of being unwanted was not true. Does that sound weird? Let me go back. What I mean to say is that I spent so much of my life, over 10 years, convinced that I was unwanted that I couldn’t see past my own cognitive bias. I find that my birthmother actually wanted to keep up correspondence, but now maybe my fears have come true because I didn’t respond back. Maybe she thinks that she’s the defective one now. And how would that affect the way she’s raising my preteen half-sister?

So much lost. I lost connection. I gained addiction. I lost addiction. I gained life. I lost birthfamily. I gained a marriage.

How does one weigh the value of what one has lost with what one has gained?

During the pandemic, I lost the need to spend money on transportation but gained weight. I lost in-person interactions but gained the ability to meet more people in a shorter amount of time. I’ve lost a job three times but gained a possible new career, or two.

We all make decisions, whether consciously or not, choosing one thing over another.

My birthmom chose to give me to a new home. And I chose to never give up.

One day I may need to lose something to gain connection with my birthfamily but right now I’m coming to realize that I subconsciously and unintentionally gave them up to gain chosen family.

I have always believed that things happen for a reason. I chose the future and can choose the past when the time is right.