Lessons
In “Holding Your Breath,” and Other Things No One Needs to Teach an Adoptee
By Audrey B
“Holding steady,
not taking in air”
started when She
was no longer … there.
I’m certain, existing submerged
can never compare to surfacing,
all the ways life
can be sucked out … of a room,
creating center within
every eye of the storm,
silence of quiet wind
barely moving a leaf
while severing an entire tree;
ultimate power of persuasion
drawing breath …
under a new name, place …
where distance or altitude
does not matter,
finding a new pace, a workaround
to be found, kept, left …
taking it all in,
dizziness sometimes will occur
before the blur …
eyes closing, sounds dulling,
your heartbeat … lulling you
back, back, back … to sleep
so many times,
dream’s escaping!
Toddler now adult
contemplating ….
holding, holding, holding on …
lungs tight, combined might
to be able to stay …
where everything started.
Even now …
today knowing decades of invisible hope,
biological air between us …
sighing, letting free,
so much waiting within me …
babbling a first word, “mom,”
also teaches,
“wind knocked out,”
a fist to the stomach response,
anaphylactic reaction to family?
No one mentions …
thinning air pressures of
estrangement and reunions.
All ages of me, echo …
“keep breathing” … let go,
this is all normal …
holding … catching, holding … catching,
adopted … adoption,
adaption’s reactions.
You will learn to swim
without lessons …
inhaling, exhaling underwater
on any given weekday.
They will say,
“What’s the big deal anyway?”
Next lesson: Smiling While Existing
