Dear Prospective Adoptive Parent,

It’s exciting to think about building a family through adoption, I know. You think of the many possibilities and fun things to do while loving a child and nurturing their growth. Adoption is just a legal event. It’s one day. Then the past is officially over and not important. They become your child, as if born to you. Why would any of that matter in the first place? My love will be enough for everything, you tell yourself.  All of these things are things you have been led to believe…

It’s time to look at some perspective from the view of an adopted person and not the glossy advertisements by those looking to make a large profit. 

First of all, adoption is not a one-and-done event. Some of us think about it a lot, and others not as much. There are times when we wonder from where we came. It comes up when we have talents and interests different from anyone else, like the adoptee I know who loves the outdoors and water sports. No one in her family did; it turns out her first family loved outdoor water sports. It crops up at every doctor’s appointment when we have to fill out that damn form for medical history. It pops up when we look in the mirror or at family pictures and see how different we look. It pops up in family trees, genetics class, and sometimes it rears its ugly head when we don’t want it to, like for the adoptee who lost his job and spiraled into a depression, only to realize that he felt abandoned and rejected by the company as he had been at birth, touching a wound hidden very deep within himself. 

 As we grow and change, our feelings about adoption continue to evolve and it’s not a linear process. We may have several emotions all at once, and at times are not even aware of what we are really feeling and why. Please be patient with us. Everyone is different and will process their feelings differently. You can still support someone while not fully understanding why they feel the way they do. 

When adoptees grow older and want to have children, we often have a lot of feelings and questions. Please just listen. Give your adoptees every piece of information you have about their history. So many feel like we were randomly dropped out of the sky. Our stories are important. You never know how we have interpreted things. 

Please portray our first parents in a positive light, always. From them we get our physical traits and often our innate abilities and interests. If you denigrate them and their blood runs in our veins, we may feel inherently bad ourselves.

Your adopted child may try to pull you close and push you away at the same time. It’s confusing, I know. Just know that we need your love and support no matter what. 

Do not adopt if you have qualifiers. If you can’t handle the idea that this child may not share your passion for (fill in the blank), may have learning differences, may be LGBTQ+, or may have different aspirations than you anticipated,  then do not adopt. People need unconditional love. 

Accept your adoptees differences and divergent choices. I was called strange by my father and boy did that wound.

If your adopted child wants to search for birth parents because they need answers, support them. Know that this need for answers is separate from your relationship with them. 

As an adoptee I felt like part of the family, and yet not part of the family. I did dream and wonder about my first parents. I did need to know. It’s part of my identity. When things really fell apart at home, I wished for them to come and rescue me. 

Allow that we can be grateful and love our parents dearly, yet still have pain about how our family came to be. Someone let us go. It hurts. 

In the absence of information we make up stories to fill that void. That can be a damaging silent endeavour.  Personally, at times I felt very unmoored in life. I wondered about the medical history of my genetic family. I wondered about my features and temperament, especially during adolescence. I wondered if my biological parents were good people. I was raised to view sex before marriage as something good people did not do. If my mother was a bad person or did a bad thing and I was the result, did that make me a bad person? 

When I was young, I was told to keep my adoption secret. On the surface it looked like it never affected me. I would have told you that it had no impact on my life. I had  shoved it deep down inside. In fact, I would have told you that adoption is a wonderful thing. For some, it is. For others, it doesn’t work out so well. For me, I had a wonderful mother. I also lost a wonderful mother. My life was different, but not better. I put on a smile, got excellent grades in school, participated in activities, and had friends. Inside, I carried a sadness that I could not name . 

I cannot deny that there was a connection in the womb for me. The first time I heard a woman speaking French, I stopped in my tracks and felt a recognition deep in my bones. I had no idea my mother is French, and yes, she is. She never saw me or held me, but I recognized that language. You cannot erase nature.

Those of us who suffer with depression, anxiety, and addictions would rather not deal with these demons, but here we are, and we are a strong bunch.  Do not mistake our resiliency for being ok all the time. Check in on us. 

When I was pregnant the wondering intensified, which often happens. What might I pass on to the next generation? To my utter shock, we lost two sons to a genetic disorder that could not be detected by a blood test and is passed down through the mother. Tyler was six weeks old and the next son was a stillbirth. We faced medical questions during the diagnostic process and I was even asked if I could by chance be related (cousins) to my husband. Wow.  I felt like the adoption that I was supposed to pretend never happened slapped me right in the face. My father had information that he told me I wouldn’t get until he died. Here I was being told by the head of clinical genetics that I needed information to confirm their suspicions. That started an emotional search that was not welcomed by my family. I hope that if you adopt you will keep in mind the impact for the child and the importance of honesty and information. 

The worst thing is secrecy and lies. That completely destroys an already somewhat fragile trust in people. We were given away once and never knew why. What does it take for someone to decide to give us away again? Let your kids know, OFTEN, that they are valuable, loveable, and worthy just as they are, no matter what. Above all, be honest.