I’ve been conditioned to believe that up is always better
Always give your upmost Anna, laziness is bad
Always stay upbeat Anna, complaining is bad
Always uplift others Anna, negativity is bad 
Up, up, up
Higher and higher I climbed up the mountain of perfection
The praise and pats on the back were no match for the lack of oxygen on the summit
No one told me that this hike towards excellence would be so difficult
That getting close to the top would feel so suffocating
Suddenly I was there, but the peak was unlike what I’d imagined
There was no warmth and comfort 
No medal or photographer
No one waiting to embrace me and say, “You did it! You succeeded against all odds!”
It was icy and uninhabitable
Why had I wanted this so badly? 
Dizzy with exhaustion and lack of air
I began to tread down
One tired misstep, I was soon                         

                              Sliding

            Falling 

Down

Down

Down

From the peak of Perfect Mountain into the Gorge of Despair
There was little light at the bottom and the air was thick and muggy
Alone in this place, I was lost and invisible to the outside world 
Just relax, the hot breeze seemed to whisper, rest little one. Aren’t you tired? 
Resist! This is not who you are
I focused on climbing up, up, up
I gave it my all, but I could not climb out
I tried to stay positive, but I could not climb out
The path of flawlessness that got me to this place, would not get me back to the light
Slowly, lethargy and negativity enveloped me like old friends
It felt cozy and warm, as though I could stay forever
But then the questions came
If I was not ascending, what did this mean?
If I was not working and smiling and performing, was I still me?
Was that ever me? Or was that simply a role that I had slipped over my body like a puffy down jacket?
I opened my eyes and saw the gorge for what it was, not a resting place but a hiding place
I wasn’t meant to stay here in this darkness
I wasn’t meant to be at the icy peak
I had to find my place
If I wanted to leave the Gorge of Despair, I could not go up, the only way out was
Through the rocks of unprocessed emotions that were blocking the view
Through the trepidatious waters of internal and external confrontation
Through the shadows of trauma and grief 
On, and on, and on
Until finally sunlight became visible through the cracks and the rocks gave way to a vast expanse
I had emerged into a new, even land
And it was in this land I wanted to stay