In 1997, I  attended a 12-Step based recovery program for 28 days. The facility was located in North Carolina. This program was unique because of all of the clients who went through the program together from start to finish. 

This program was unlike many similar programs where clients or patients can be added or discharged daily. The success rate of the program was roughly twice as successful for clients to remain sober at least one year after treatment. 

I had given up drinking in 1993 and have never tried drugs or smoking, etc. Despite those accomplishments of not becoming an “addict” in the traditional sense that society views addicts, I was still an addict in other ways. 

My primary way of coping with my emotions and insecurities has been through relationships with women. I didn’t feel “whole” unless I was in a relationship. I thought I could only feel connected with a female to be sexual with her. I was a recovering relationship addict. 

Each morning during my time at the program, a security guard would open the door to my room and say “Wake up! Wake up call!”

On Friday morning, I received a “Wake Up Call” from my wife of 19 years. She informed me about some of her concerns about our relationship. I became defensive and withdrawn listening to her requests of what she needed for the time being.

I sat there in shock for some time. I went for a drive and spoke to a friend for a while. I spoke to another friend (both are adoptees). I was feeling numb, lost, and scared to death. 

The next morning, my wife and I talked again. I could feel my grief begin to surface inside of me. I turned over onto my left side and curled up into the fetal position. I began to cry.

I cried HARDER than I ever have about anything in my life. My body was hyperventilating. 

I  was feeling the depth of my Primal Wound.

I was feeling the effects of my abandonment that originated when I left my mother’s womb and was never held by her. 

I was feeling again like I was not good enough. 

“You are going to leave me no matter what I do,” I told my wife. 

My wife reassured me that her intention was not to leave me, but we needed time apart for both of us to grow. A time for us to do something to get out of our codependent and comfortable rut we have been in for some time. As much as it has hurt, I began to realize she is right about how our relationship has been. 

I am taking this opportunity to look deeply at my fears and habits. Do they serve me or hinder me? If they hinder me, what am I willing to do about them in order to grow? 

Years ago, my minister at church said, “What we really love in our lives is what we give our attention to.” Being honest with myself, I have put way too much time and energy into social media and watching TV. These are habits I have invested my time and energy into, instead of investing my time, energy, and focus on myself or our marriage. 

This is my “Wake Up Call.” My intention is to take this to heart and learn and grow from this experience. 

Will I do it perfectly? Hell, no.

Will I make mistakes moving forward? Hell, yes. 

But I know with intention, I will move forward consciously instead of living stagnant. 

One day at a time.

One hour at a time.

One moment at a time.

One step at a time.

One breath at a time.

That is all I can focus on right now, with intention.